This Festive season was exceptionally hard for me. I tried really hard to be “up” but fuck was it tough. I wonder what ever happened to the fun Christmas season I used to love? I don’t really know when it left but in its departure it has gifted me: stress, heartache, despair and feelings of being inadequate.
Even now, today I am feeling fairly emotional and its January 7th. I worked really hard this past summer to set some definitive boundaries to some things I will no longer tolerate. (Getting older seems to do that to a person; no longer tolerate others shit.) I find as I muddle my way through this journey of life my initiations are for sure getting tougher and more challenging to work through. I know now that all the other “stuff” I dealt with before was simply superficial and Spirit has been saving these good ones for when I was ready. Yay Me; Guess I am Ready! UGH!!
Spirit has a funny way of getting your attention to clear shit out when it feels its time. I guess for me, the biggest thing I am trying to work through at this space & time is my Momma Trauma of child exclusion within the family. Trauma comes in all forms but for me this is one that personally has affected this Momma Bear. And it hurts my heart like a mother trucker!
I came into relationship with my spouse that had 3 children from a previous marriage, and we had another together for a combined family of 4 boys. We have now been a combined family for over 23yrs; through good times and tough times.
For me, my biggest trauma has been having our youngest “be a part of the family.” Yup..that has been an issue and wow has that been tough. Didn’t see that one coming! Tough, on him and tough on me. My youngest was the only baby I got to have and to say we are close is an understatement. Now let me be clear that within our immediate family unit, we are a family with all the typical family dynamics that makes up a family; perfectly imperfect.
It has been through certain extended family members that we have had a division; my son & I; exclusion. For me that’s one thing, but for my son? Processing the division and trying to wrap my head around it has been a huge sore spot for me for years. I have a better perspective on things now than I did back then, but it still doesn’t make the hurt go away for me. Or the hurt I feel for my child feeling like an outsider in his own extended family.
Parenting is hard enough but when you have to protect your child from within its own family fucking sucks. And it sucks for years after. It seems when they reach adulthood is when we finally fully grasp its sinister effects. We tend to think we have “dealt” with it and moved on until a trigger shows up and it all comes streaming back; fast & hard, leaving us with lead in our boots and our heart raw.
Christmas this year was a perfect storm that I am still trying to gain my footing from. With it being the season of ‘putting things aside” and “getting together for the family” pressure and trying to stay true to pre-established boundaries was proving to be difficult until a very frank family member laid out very bluntly the source of the “outsider” feelings.
The words fell on an already wounded heart from years of trying to say it only to have it fall on deaf ears or being told “your seeing something that just isn’t there.” These words hit like a shit ton of bricks and finally resonated! So, boundaries were able to be kept but not without tears to have finally being seen & heard, albeit from another family member but still heard nonetheless after all these years. But just let me add here that not being heard on an ongoing issue for years is so fucking traumatizing and it roots down deep. However, having it confirmed is literally taking an arrow to the heart! Confirmation fucking hurts!
Where do I start healing from this? By cutting myself some slack; getting out of my head and just be. I am beginning to show myself love, compassion and forgiveness. Healing isn’t pretty. Its hard, messy and full of tears. And it takes time and effort. My road to healing is going to be bumpy before I finally hit the pavement. I don’t expect an overnight fix, but I am open to expecting the unexpected as there is opportunity for soul growth there. And through all of this constantly reminding myself to keep love, compassion and forgiveness forefront in my mind.
I expect to have my good days and my crappy days, but I am ok with that. This is healing for my heart that only I can do. I forgive myself for what I didn’t know back then & forgive those that didn’t know what they were creating. I have compassion for how I feel, my feelings come from the deepest love from being a Momma Bear. My healing heals those before me and those after me, including my son. I am his best example in this little big world.
It will take time to move past the pain I carry within and I know the time will come when I will be able to unburden myself & put it down. But that’s where time comes in. Processing, releasing what needs to go and when. But in the process, mine the Gold from the experience; there is always gold in there. We just have to learn to look for it.
For me, my takeaway is to not repeat the past. Practice family inclusion.
When we know better, we do better.